Wistful Thinking

I just had a birthday. I don’t like the number but it struck me this morning how blessed I am to be healthy and still feel, 35-40ish. For real.

I’ve struggled to lose about ten pounds for like, my whole life. When I was 31, I weighed 132 lbs. and thought I should be around 125. So, I dieted and worked to get my post-baby body back, which ended up being around 129. Around 40, I weighed around 137 and felt that if I could just get to 130, I’d be perfect. As I’ve grown older, my weight hangs in about 143. “Oh, if I could just get down to 137, I would feel skinny again” or, “Oh, if only I was as “fat” now, as I thought I was each decade.”

My entire life I’ve hated my body and strived for a perfection that doesn’t exist, so I forget sometimes how much my body does for me. I still ski. It not only takes strong legs, but strong lungs to whiz down a mountain and although I’m no expert, no one is waiting for me at the bottom. I once rowed competitively for a team in Arizona, an older team, yes, but when I head to my Orange Theory class, I can out-row a lot of the women younger than me – I’m not comparing, but I still have the strength to keep up. I’m flexible as well, an important factor in aging. I can easily get up behind a boat to wake-surf, which I’ll admit, is easier than popping out of the water on a slalom ski – I can still do that too, but as proven last summer, not quite as easily. The point being that my body, is a freaking wonderland. I need to appreciate all the wonderful things it does for me, so in addition to having a heart that still beats regularly, lungs that continue to breathe and a sharp, witty mind (albeit – sometimes forgetful), it does what it’s supposed to and what I still enjoy doing.

I saw a blog post yesterday where the author wrote about giving up little things that led to giving up other little things that led to big changes in her life. One thing she gave up was hating her body. She wrote about how she would lie in bed and place her hands on her “big tummy,” and send love to herself, even making a heart symbol with her fingers. So, last night before I went to sleep, I shaped my hands into a heart and told myself, “My body is a Wonderland.” Little changes bring big changes.

Bo Dereck (Remember her, The Perfect 10?) once said, “I miss my younger skin.” She’s now 62. Yeah…me too, but – when we are so attached to our body’s appearance, rather than its health, we constantly look for what’s wrong, rather than what’s right. I recognize now, regardless of how many supplements I consume, I will never have my collagen restored enough to make me look like I did when I was in my 30’s. What’s the line from that song? “You have to accentuate the positive…”

Aging is hard. Much harder than I suspected it would be. When I look at younger women now, of course it’s easy to yearn for that rounded booty and flat tummy again, especially because I’m single. Don’t get me wrong, I’m obviously trying, but also realistic about what can be achieved. I guess I should’ve skipped the baby oil as tanning lotion when I was younger. But for the record, I wouldn’t trade my middle age brain or heart, just to have that perfect bum-bum again, but I will be heading to yoga often, because I’m going to ski down those mountains for as long as this wonderland body allows.

When I look at my friends, the ones I’ve had in my life for almost forever, I never see the wrinkles around their eyes or the age spots on their hands. Instead, I see crinkles of wisdom in their smiling eyes. I feel a gentle kindness when they hug me – and a compassion that comes from loving hard and surviving life’s heartaches. I like to believe we are all doing the best we can.

Please help me grow by joining the discussion here, following me, sharing and COMMENTING on Instagram and Facebook and here. Thanks for your love and support on this next piece of my journey.

-Tamara