New Year’s Resolutions

 

Why does it seem we are we so eager to start a New Year right after Halloween? Doesn’t time move fast enough already? We move through our years hoping each one is better than the last, but the fact is not all of them will be. Most of them are just us, moving through life and surviving. Years, months, time, are just…linear.

I used to name my years. One year might be a Year of Bravery or a Year of Risk, or a Year of Opportunity, or a Year of Yes. I’m not sure when I stopped doing that. Maybe it was my Year(s) of Divorce when I felt completely zeroed out by what was happening. But every year I hear people say they can’t wait to put the current year behind them and move forward to the next. Heck, I’ve said it – I spent the better part of 2018 miserable, in a job I hated and in terrible pain from the stress. By the end of 2018, I was so worn out emotionally and physically, I didn’t think about what lie ahead except that I wanted to heal and put it all behind me. I felt certain 2019 would be not only a better year, but it would be MY year. There was much to look forward to:  A new job, a new grandbaby and finally, a home of my own.

On January 19, my daughter went into labor. I was filled with excitement –  this baby was a much-hoped for miracle. I waited impatiently that day and throughout that night for news of her arrival. At morning’s first light, instead of waking up to joyous news, I was devastated to learn things had gone terribly wrong and our special, tiny miracle –  was lying helpless, in a medically-induced coma, fighting for her life.

Sometimes, I find life utterly confounding. I thought when I arrived here, I would have more answers, feel more settled, understand people better and be satisfied where I’m at. Instead I find myself hungrier for more understanding, more time, more opportunities, more wisdom, more patience, more health, more love –  more, of what I think really does matter. But through all that wanting and confusion, what I’m absolutely sure of, is that life can and will, turn quickly to deal us an unexpected hand in which we can never be ready, regardless of how much planning we do. Sometimes it takes that one moment, that event, to bring epiphany –  a flash of complete lucidity where the only thing that matters is: Now – right where we are.

You see, in those terrible moments last January, it didn’t matter how helpless and sad I was – my daughter needed me to be strong because her body was not just weak, she was frightened and heartbroken. More importantly, I knew it wouldn’t matter what the doctors might project about my grandbaby’s prognosis –  she was already loved. She would be celebrated –  because after years and months of wanting her, anticipating her, waiting for her – she was finally here and she was alive. She was meant to be, and without a doubt, I knew, our family would do everything to give her what she needed to be successful in this life. My epiphany? Everything always works out, regardless of how scary the future looks or what happened in the past.

When I look back over 2019, it wasn’t stellar in terms of financial success, romance, or exciting adventures. But I made it through. I lost weight. I gained weight, I lost weight again. I got my health back on track and I did stuff. I got busy with my writing and I bought a house. It can be said that it was mostly, like any other year. Except for one thing: My world, my priorities, my values, my everything – shifted in those moments following my grandbaby’s birth and that alone made it my Year of Joy.

There are always going to be things to regret –  mistakes I’ve made, people I’ve hurt, decisions that cost me more than money, opportunities I passed on and mostly, time I wasted – often on people who didn’t treat me well. I haven’t always prioritized what was important and only now can see the wake behind. In the early twilight of my life, I find myself wondering, when it is my time to go, will I sigh out my final breath in acceptance of a life well lived, regardless of how many years weren’t my finest? I believe I will.

What will this year bring? What will I decide I need more of in my life? I want 2020 to be my Year of Love & Giving. And, I can only anticipate what a great year it will be, come what may.

Follow-up Note:

Not only did I experience a great epiphany in the hospital that day, but our family and friends continue to witness a miracle. My granddaughter is a perfectly, above-average-ahead-her-milestones, adorable, little girl – with no trace of what any of the Docs predicted might be. Things always work out and in this case, it worked out to be a joyous miracle.

*Curtain down on 2019 🙂

 

If you like this site, please share and join the discussion by leaving a note and email so you can be notified when new postings appear.